Okay, dearies, I'm home now, so I'll try to give an analysis of the poem. Cue fail CnC.
The future is lost.
An empty prayer to the Lord.
A memorial held for the ashes of a star.
No one attends,
Afraid of the foot that tramples.
The poison of power given to one,
The corruption of dominance,
Becomes a plague to all.
The dawn of a revolution will arise,
A new day will begin.
O our Heavenly Father from above!
We cry for your salvation.
Let the curtains rise for your people,
Even if it is only for a fiction.
First, let's break up the poems into phrases. The phrases are pretty obvious. Let's also clarify the objects and descriptors.
The future (thing) is lost (description).
An empty prayer to the Lord (description).
(no thing to describe? Unless you're still referring to the "future")
A memorial held for the ashes of a star (description).
No one attends, (result of thing)
Afraid of the foot that tramples. (cause of result)
The poison of power given to one, (thing)
The corruption of dominance, (thing)
Becomes a plague to all. (result/description)
The dawn of a revolution will arise, (thing)
A new day will begin. (thing)
(The below section flows in a different manner than the previous section. It's something like a "chorus" of a song)
O our Heavenly Father from above!
We cry for your salvation.
Let the curtains rise for your people,
Even if it is only for a fiction.
__________________________________________________
Now, you see that there are quite a few variations in phrase structure. While this isn't necessarily bad, is has a negative impact on the flow of the poem. However, this is a free-verse style of poem, so it's not really significant.
Unfortunately, I don't understand why you used "curtains rise" as a metaphor for freedom. Curtains rising is the signifier of a play; an act. If I were to interpret the poem without prior knowledge of its intended purpose, I'd say that the poet is trying to describe the people involved as actors in a tragic play, stuck to their roles without chance for freedom.
Also, you can't say that it's related to concentration camps when there is no reference to concentration camps whatsoever. Initially I thought this poem was something about war, but apparently it's concentration camps. Try relating the emotions and thoughts conveyed in the poem to actual scenes from a concentration camp (eg. Dark cells, barren courtyards, execution grounds, gas chambers). An example would be to compare the emptiness of the future to the emptiness of barren courtyards. Something like:
The future is lost.
An empty prayer to the Lord;
A barren courtyard on the grounds.
Or
The poison of power given to one,
The corruption of dominance,
Becomes a plague to all;
An affliction throughout the cells.
(oh, and this one is pretty cool because affliction can both refer to a plague and to oppression from concentration camp masters)
Basically, people reading the poem should get an effective image of a concentration camp. This is conveyed through appealing to their five senses: sight (eg. the sight of malnourished captives), hearing (eg. the sound of people crying), smell (eg. the smell of blood and bodies), taste (probably not applicable in this case, or it could be terrible concentration camp food) and touch (cold wind across the execution grounds, or perhaps scratches on a wall made by desperate captives). The combination of these factors is called
imagery, which is something probably every poem should contain. Work a bit more on that, and the poem should come out nicely.
/ends fail CnC. Sorry if it was fail.