Dear Mother,
I’m sorry for the horrible sight you just encountered and the blood on this letter. I can imagine that it might haunt your mind for the rest of your life. See it as a revenge for all those years we spend together. Years that we can actually recall in just a few words, right? When I’d actually see you, then the only thing you’d say to me is: “Just get rid of whatever prevents you from achieving your goal and you’ll grow up to be happy.” You’ve been a terrible mother, but you were right about that. I’ll explain to you why.
“Hey, I heard Lillian and Matt finally got together!”
That one sentence of a classmate meant the end for me. We were always together. Matt was my best friend and Lillian, well, Lillian’s mom and you were best friends, so what can I say about that. Whenever you had to work I got dumped at her place. We quickly grew up to be friends, you were quite happy with that even though you wanted more out of our relationship.
Matt and Lillian both had these very dark brown eyes that seemed to shine in the dark. It wasn’t that weird that people always matched up Lillian and Matt, they looked really great together, but I always felt a sting of jealousy whenever I heard people say that they should be a couple. You always liked to stir up that fire of envy in me, didn’t you? Too bad you never understood the real reason of my jealousy, you might have ended up being the support I really needed. No, that’s a silly idea, what am I writing? You could barely lay your eyes upon me without throwing up, without knowing the real reason. I can’t even imagine what you’d have done to me if you did know. Maybe the blood you can see in my room would also have been on your hands then? We’ll never know.
Never hit the messenger, right? Classic. It was the first mistake I made, besides of course trusting you. My classmate couldn’t know any better, but I beat him to pulp nonetheless for giving me the bad news of Lillian and Matt being an item. Just to get that happy grin of his face, I rebuilt his face with my fists. Something you would approve of, right?
I’d always been a great actor and nobody knew the truth about me. Nobody even knew the real me. No, mom, not even you knew me though that can’t be much of a surprise anymore now, can it? As you can feel my blood ruining your pretty shoes as you read this.
Blind creatures we humans can be. We only see what we want to see. So, what others saw in me was this innocent, obedient and kind child. Hitting someone really didn’t fit that picture. I left the whole class in shock as I ran out of the classroom.
Outside, I saw them. I sneaked up to them, quietly, like a lioness would sneak up to her prey, just to get a better view of what they we’re doing. That was the second mistake I made. I shouldn’t have done that, I knew what I’d end up seeing anyway and I surely knew I wouldn’t like the sight.
I’m not sure how I felt as I watched; how the lips I wanted to kiss so badly were kissed by someone else, how I was invisible to the dark brown shimmering eyes that now stared at someone else, how those hands I wanted to hold were touching the skin of someone else, and most of all, how that someone else, that lucky person, was no one less than my friend.
I got the urges to puke, to scream, to cry, to run, but all I could do was standing there and feeling my jealousy burn my soul. With every new heartbeat my body ached a bit more until finally… I heard the one I loved say: “I love you” to someone else.
I stood on that very same spot I spied on my friends when the principal found me. She had already called you about the incident of me hitting my classmate. You were sitting in a chair in her office, looking at me with the hate in your eyes that always fired in your eyes whenever I reminded you of dad. When you heard about what happened with Lillian and Matt, your eyes became calm and even started to shine again. However, as you walked out of the door you whispered to me: “Wrong person to beat to pulp. He’s not the guy standing in your way, is he? We should do something about that Matt. How dare he lay his hands on my friend’s daughter.” I started crying, your word choice was wrong. I indeed never wanted him to lay his hands on Lillian, but the fact that he did, made me feel so desperate and hopelessly useless.
I couldn’t tell you. Even now I’m having problems writing it down. You see, mother, I’m ashamed of it myself. I’m not right, I really am a failure. Another thing you were right about, huh?
Crying was something you did not want to see a anyone doing, surely not if it was without reason and if it was me. You beat me to pulp that night, remember? You stopped when you noticed I was bleeding and then you hugged me like a little baby. You promised me you’d help me take out Matt, you promised me to help me win over Lillian’s heart. You really thought I’d be happy to hear that. Little did you know.
Vacation finally started and you made Matt stay over at our house. I think I can describe those days as the best days of my life, honestly. You were there, he was there and Lillian was nowhere to be found. Matt kindly never mentioned Lillian and his relationship with her. It was just me and him and if I forget about the nights in which you gave me hints and tips as in how to get rid of Matt, I can actually say that they we’re the best days of my life. Just my best friend around me and a mother that seemed to care about me.
Of course there was an end to it, you had gotten inpatient and you brought over Lillian too, you really thought that bringing her here would make me feel more pressure, more need to quickly get rid of Lillian. You were once again right, it really did put me under pressure, because as kind as Matt is, he really did love Lillian and Lillian really did love him. It was a perfect love if only I wasn’t there.
It was that thought that kept spinning around in my head, if only I wasn’t here. You know, mother, the whole problem of your plan of getting rid of my rival had one big problem. Even if my rival was gone, nature would still be against me, you see?
I love Matt. Even at this moment that I’m writing this my heart is not beating to finish this letter to you but to see him one last time. I think he knew it, but he never mentioned it. He never rejected me, but also never accepted me. It might have been weird but I feel like I even love him more for that very reason.
I think if I had told you this all honestly from the start to you, mother. You’d have disowned me. I know how you always went on about how filthy people like me were and how people should kill people like me off. Yeah, you can feel at ease about that, at least you won’t have to dirty your hands killing me now.
Anyway, I have to hurry up because I’m starting to get really dizzy and sleepy, I think that might be because of the lack of blood in my body? I only cut one of my wrists, but it’s still going faster than I expected.
Back to what I was telling you, that one night you prepared the perfect kill for me, a little bit of poison in the form of too much nutmeg in dinner and some great drug in it to finish it, was the night I decided to not go through with it. I thought about killing Matt and about killing Lillian, but both felt wrong. They we’re both my friends. Besides that, killing off Lillian or Matt wouldn’t change any feelings. So I’ll tell you why your plan went wrong, I simply changed bottles. And I threw away the plate of food with too much nutmeg and replaced it with non-poisoned food.
Mom, I know I’ve been going on about how much I hate you ,but for real, I only hate myself. You tried your best in your own weird and illegal way. You never wanted to get me, but you still took care of me in the best way you could. I love you for that mom… I really do.
I don’t want to be a bother to anyone any longer, I don’t want to feel unloved by the people I love.
If anyone had to go to make this place a better place, it had to be me.
With love, pain and blood sipping out of me,
Your son,
Stan.