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Chapter 1:My Own Heaven
Issue 1
XXXX“I always loved to watch the trees, the grass, its magical they way they sway in the wind. Ever since I was a young girl I would come here to the park, the local park and sit on this bench and just take in nature. It always calmed me it didn’t matter what was happening to me that day, in just a few moments of sitting here I’d feel at peace as if everything was how it was meant to be. I really can’t explain it that well but just seeing the everlasting scene, the grass, the trees, being able to walk this path, its all I needed, all I wanted. I’m not quite like most people, while they have their friends, their families, their quiet normal lives. I’m stuck here in this endless loop alone, no family, no friends, I have no one, and no one even seems to care, but somehow it doesn’t bother me not as it used to I’ve came to realize this is how my life is this is how its meant to be. I was never meant to be accepted to be loved, my purpose is to simply exist nothing more nothing less. Am I upset that God would make me for such a reason, well not quite, if he never created me then I’d never would have got to see this, the grass and the trees, this beauty, this serenity that lies beneath the hectic world that everyone is engrossed with, the world that has been forgotten, pushed aside, made obsolete by people’s selfish priorities just like I am this beauty this simple beauty is ignored and pushed aside as if it never mattered. Its sad for those who miss such a blissful scene.” A girl quietly read aloud to herself. “I wonder if this will be good enough for an opening paragraph, Nakamura Sensei told me she expected a lot from me but I really don’t understand why, I’m not that special, I’m just a normal girl.” she sighed to herself as she stood up from the park bench.
XXXX“I better get to school, I’ll be late if I don’t hurry!” She exclaims as she takes one last look at the scene before she rushes off to school.
XXXXHer name is Hineo Rikka, cute charming simple, her outlook on life could encourage anyone, but even despite her positive and cheerful nature she’s all alone, she has no family no friends, no one to support her. She cries alone, smiles alone, everything she has she has alone. Her only solace lies within the park the grass and the trees those are her only support her only friends. She lives alone with a caretaker who was appointed by her now Guardian. She once had parents but through an unfortunate event they too abandoned her. They now live hundreds maybe even thousands of miles apart, yet they won’t even be bothered to call their daugther to see how she is, how she feels. The only person to have ever shown her love, is no longer in her life, all the friends she’s able to make they abandon her almost as quickly as she makes them, everyone she wants to love shuns her. Yet she doesn’t give up, she pushes forward and tries hard, she has a dream that one day she will meet someone, someone who will support her, who will love her, who will be there for her, but she also realizes that dreams and fantasy are for children that she shouldn’t dwell on such things it would only disappoint her later when it never happens.
XXXXAfter a long walk from the park she finally arrived at school and luckily for her she wasn’t late. She takes a deep breath as she enters into the doors. Her mind running rampant with thoughts. What would happen today who would notice her, would the other students like her intro, would Nakamura-sensei enjoy it, would she have fun, would she have support, would even matter if she even came to class? She paused for a moment to regain her composure she knew it wasn’t good to think negative thoughts., it would only hold her back. She finally entered the room and took her set, next to the wall far away from the window, a position she didn’t enjoy but of course she wasn’t one to complain.
XXXXShe sat there quietly as she watched the other students talk in their groups, talk with their friends. As simple as it seemed she wished she too could enjoy such a thing. Even if it seemed simple, it was a world she knew she could never reach regardless of how hard she tried. As the bell rang and Nakamura-sensei entered the room she began to jitter with excitement, yes she was nervous, yes she was scared, but she was happy, maybe this time she could impress them, impress her classmates, so that they would like her, accept her, love her. She sat there as Ms. Nakamura called Student after student to come and read their opening paragraph, and with each name called she grew more and more anxious. With each name she began to dream more and more, she knew this was it when she read this, her paragraph to her classmates, they would finally accept her, they would notice her, they would love her. She couldn’t help from smiling it was finally time, her time., or so she thought. Suddenly her thoughts her Fantasies were interrupted, were halted by the sound of the class change bell. She sat there in shock, her name was never called. She went through the rest of the school day thinking to herself about what had happened why didn’t Nakamura-sensei call her, why wasn’t she given a chance. Her eyes began to water. As he made her way out of the school. She missed it, she missed her chance, all her dreaming did as she always thought only brought her pain. She realized then she would never be accepted, regardless of what she did, regardless of what she said, no one would ever accept her this was her fate. Just as she was about to lose control just as her eyes began to water she heard a voice call to her.
XXXX“Hineo-san I’m ready for you’re report.” Nakamura-sensei called out to her
XXXXRikka didn’t want to answer she just wanted to walk away, she clinched her paper tightly and buried her tears.
XXXX“Hai!” She exclaimed as she walked to Nakamura-sensei’s office
XXXXShe couldn’t help but feel overwhelming sadness, her dream, her goal for that day, he had already passed, was this some cruel joke? Why didn’t Nakamura-sensei call her, did she forget, run out of time? Rikka couldn’t even begin to Imagine what the reason was but she didn’t have to.
XXXX“I knew you didn’t want to read in front of the other students so I left you off my list, don’t worry I know what its like to be your age and shy.” Nakamura-sensei said with a smile
XXXXRikka couldn’t reply she stood there in shock, shy?, what I wanted? that’s not it at all! She thought to her self.
XXXX“So c’mon show me!” Nakamura-sensei said with a laugh “You don’t have to be shy its only me.” she continued.
XXXXEach time she said that word, each time she called Rikka shy, it was a dagger to Rikka’s heart Rikka quickly handed her the paper and began to walk out of the room.
XXXX“Umm I have to get home early today Tomoyo-chan said there were errands for me to do forgive me sensei but I have to hurry!” Rikka exclaimed as she rushed out of the door.
XXXXRikka walked back to the park slowly her head full of all that had happened. How could she do that to herself. How could she allow herself to imagine that happiness, she knows better that sort of happiness was never meant for her. She was always destined to be alone to never have anyone love her, to never have friends, this was her fate, her hell.
XXXXAs she sat back down on the park bench she looked out onto the grass and trees, and slowly she began to tear, and then cry. She sat there sobbing for close to an hour. Why didn’t she have anyone? Why didn’t anyone love her? Was it really that difficult to be liked by people? Was there something she missed? Why was it so hard for her to make just one friend just one that’s all she wanted. In that moment she promised herself that one day she would have a friend, that she would find them the person who would love her, accept her, be everything for her. Then she made a vow that when ever she found this person she would never let them go, she would love them more then anyone had ever loved another before, that she would make them know force them to realize how special they are, how important they are. She then laughed and smiled through her tears.
XXXX“I’m doing it again aren’t I, making foolish dreams that are impossible. I really am hopeless.” she laughed quietly to herself
XXXX“But I do admit it would be nice if it would happen. If somehow I randomly meet someone, someone who will love me, who will cherish me, who will support me, who will accept me regardless. Bah, who am I fooling, that’ll never happen, especially to someone like me. I’m nothing, a no one, I can’t even make one friend, how can I even imagine havening the perfect person in be mine, I’m a fool.” She continued as she looked back out to the trees and grass and to the sun, and as always her heart began to calm and her tears dried. The pain of the day washed away in the beauty of the scene, in the greens and blues, in the yellow of the sun, in the boundless beauty of nature, her fears and anxiety gone from her mind, and once again she was able to smile.
Issue 1
XXXX“I always loved to watch the trees, the grass, its magical they way they sway in the wind. Ever since I was a young girl I would come here to the park, the local park and sit on this bench and just take in nature. It always calmed me it didn’t matter what was happening to me that day, in just a few moments of sitting here I’d feel at peace as if everything was how it was meant to be. I really can’t explain it that well but just seeing the everlasting scene, the grass, the trees, being able to walk this path, its all I needed, all I wanted. I’m not quite like most people, while they have their friends, their families, their quiet normal lives. I’m stuck here in this endless loop alone, no family, no friends, I have no one, and no one even seems to care, but somehow it doesn’t bother me not as it used to I’ve came to realize this is how my life is this is how its meant to be. I was never meant to be accepted to be loved, my purpose is to simply exist nothing more nothing less. Am I upset that God would make me for such a reason, well not quite, if he never created me then I’d never would have got to see this, the grass and the trees, this beauty, this serenity that lies beneath the hectic world that everyone is engrossed with, the world that has been forgotten, pushed aside, made obsolete by people’s selfish priorities just like I am this beauty this simple beauty is ignored and pushed aside as if it never mattered. Its sad for those who miss such a blissful scene.” A girl quietly read aloud to herself. “I wonder if this will be good enough for an opening paragraph, Nakamura Sensei told me she expected a lot from me but I really don’t understand why, I’m not that special, I’m just a normal girl.” she sighed to herself as she stood up from the park bench.
XXXX“I better get to school, I’ll be late if I don’t hurry!” She exclaims as she takes one last look at the scene before she rushes off to school.
XXXXHer name is Hineo Rikka, cute charming simple, her outlook on life could encourage anyone, but even despite her positive and cheerful nature she’s all alone, she has no family no friends, no one to support her. She cries alone, smiles alone, everything she has she has alone. Her only solace lies within the park the grass and the trees those are her only support her only friends. She lives alone with a caretaker who was appointed by her now Guardian. She once had parents but through an unfortunate event they too abandoned her. They now live hundreds maybe even thousands of miles apart, yet they won’t even be bothered to call their daugther to see how she is, how she feels. The only person to have ever shown her love, is no longer in her life, all the friends she’s able to make they abandon her almost as quickly as she makes them, everyone she wants to love shuns her. Yet she doesn’t give up, she pushes forward and tries hard, she has a dream that one day she will meet someone, someone who will support her, who will love her, who will be there for her, but she also realizes that dreams and fantasy are for children that she shouldn’t dwell on such things it would only disappoint her later when it never happens.
XXXXAfter a long walk from the park she finally arrived at school and luckily for her she wasn’t late. She takes a deep breath as she enters into the doors. Her mind running rampant with thoughts. What would happen today who would notice her, would the other students like her intro, would Nakamura-sensei enjoy it, would she have fun, would she have support, would even matter if she even came to class? She paused for a moment to regain her composure she knew it wasn’t good to think negative thoughts., it would only hold her back. She finally entered the room and took her set, next to the wall far away from the window, a position she didn’t enjoy but of course she wasn’t one to complain.
XXXXShe sat there quietly as she watched the other students talk in their groups, talk with their friends. As simple as it seemed she wished she too could enjoy such a thing. Even if it seemed simple, it was a world she knew she could never reach regardless of how hard she tried. As the bell rang and Nakamura-sensei entered the room she began to jitter with excitement, yes she was nervous, yes she was scared, but she was happy, maybe this time she could impress them, impress her classmates, so that they would like her, accept her, love her. She sat there as Ms. Nakamura called Student after student to come and read their opening paragraph, and with each name called she grew more and more anxious. With each name she began to dream more and more, she knew this was it when she read this, her paragraph to her classmates, they would finally accept her, they would notice her, they would love her. She couldn’t help from smiling it was finally time, her time., or so she thought. Suddenly her thoughts her Fantasies were interrupted, were halted by the sound of the class change bell. She sat there in shock, her name was never called. She went through the rest of the school day thinking to herself about what had happened why didn’t Nakamura-sensei call her, why wasn’t she given a chance. Her eyes began to water. As he made her way out of the school. She missed it, she missed her chance, all her dreaming did as she always thought only brought her pain. She realized then she would never be accepted, regardless of what she did, regardless of what she said, no one would ever accept her this was her fate. Just as she was about to lose control just as her eyes began to water she heard a voice call to her.
XXXX“Hineo-san I’m ready for you’re report.” Nakamura-sensei called out to her
XXXXRikka didn’t want to answer she just wanted to walk away, she clinched her paper tightly and buried her tears.
XXXX“Hai!” She exclaimed as she walked to Nakamura-sensei’s office
XXXXShe couldn’t help but feel overwhelming sadness, her dream, her goal for that day, he had already passed, was this some cruel joke? Why didn’t Nakamura-sensei call her, did she forget, run out of time? Rikka couldn’t even begin to Imagine what the reason was but she didn’t have to.
XXXX“I knew you didn’t want to read in front of the other students so I left you off my list, don’t worry I know what its like to be your age and shy.” Nakamura-sensei said with a smile
XXXXRikka couldn’t reply she stood there in shock, shy?, what I wanted? that’s not it at all! She thought to her self.
XXXX“So c’mon show me!” Nakamura-sensei said with a laugh “You don’t have to be shy its only me.” she continued.
XXXXEach time she said that word, each time she called Rikka shy, it was a dagger to Rikka’s heart Rikka quickly handed her the paper and began to walk out of the room.
XXXX“Umm I have to get home early today Tomoyo-chan said there were errands for me to do forgive me sensei but I have to hurry!” Rikka exclaimed as she rushed out of the door.
XXXXRikka walked back to the park slowly her head full of all that had happened. How could she do that to herself. How could she allow herself to imagine that happiness, she knows better that sort of happiness was never meant for her. She was always destined to be alone to never have anyone love her, to never have friends, this was her fate, her hell.
XXXXAs she sat back down on the park bench she looked out onto the grass and trees, and slowly she began to tear, and then cry. She sat there sobbing for close to an hour. Why didn’t she have anyone? Why didn’t anyone love her? Was it really that difficult to be liked by people? Was there something she missed? Why was it so hard for her to make just one friend just one that’s all she wanted. In that moment she promised herself that one day she would have a friend, that she would find them the person who would love her, accept her, be everything for her. Then she made a vow that when ever she found this person she would never let them go, she would love them more then anyone had ever loved another before, that she would make them know force them to realize how special they are, how important they are. She then laughed and smiled through her tears.
XXXX“I’m doing it again aren’t I, making foolish dreams that are impossible. I really am hopeless.” she laughed quietly to herself
XXXX“But I do admit it would be nice if it would happen. If somehow I randomly meet someone, someone who will love me, who will cherish me, who will support me, who will accept me regardless. Bah, who am I fooling, that’ll never happen, especially to someone like me. I’m nothing, a no one, I can’t even make one friend, how can I even imagine havening the perfect person in be mine, I’m a fool.” She continued as she looked back out to the trees and grass and to the sun, and as always her heart began to calm and her tears dried. The pain of the day washed away in the beauty of the scene, in the greens and blues, in the yellow of the sun, in the boundless beauty of nature, her fears and anxiety gone from her mind, and once again she was able to smile.
Your conflict is kind of lacking IMO. She wants friends. Maybe this is just a taste thing for me, IDK.
Its obviously Man(Girl) v Self yet I don't feel like we hear what shes actually thinking and would be better served if you went 1st person instead of 3rd Person Omniscient.
And it really isn't explained why she can't keep friends. She doesn't have any glaring personality flaws other than depression, yet she seems to be able to keep it under control.
Take this w/ the grain of salt that I'm just some random person passing by.
Its obviously Man(Girl) v Self yet I don't feel like we hear what shes actually thinking and would be better served if you went 1st person instead of 3rd Person Omniscient.
And it really isn't explained why she can't keep friends. She doesn't have any glaring personality flaws other than depression, yet she seems to be able to keep it under control.
Take this w/ the grain of salt that I'm just some random person passing by.
First and foremost, it's an engaging piece, and I feel that the greatest quality a piece can attain is the ability to enrapture its readers, so great job there! ;hello;
You have a certain knack for writing internal dialogue. It just seems so natural the way you do it. It flows well, and I could imagine someone in a similar situation thinking in the same way.
For a first chapter, it was good at establishing the scene. We have Hineo Rikka, an innocent girl who's insecure about herself. You've done well to garner sympathy for her. Having had her parents abandon her leaves her in isolation, but she has found solitude, enjoying the company of nature. She's mature, though, refusing to believe in dreams and fantasy, but as a side effect it makes her even lonelier. Then, we have Ms Nakamura, the kind teacher who unfortunately fails to properly understand Rikka. I'm very interested as to how their relationship will develop over the course of the story.
Now, for some constructive stuff. There are quite a few run-on sentences, for example, "I always loved to watch the trees, the grass, its magical they way they sway in the wind." Try breaking them up into two sentences for clarity's sake (ie. I've always loved to watch the trees, the grass. It's magical, the way they sway in the wind.) Pay close attention to tenses, since there are a few discrepancies in some sentences. There are a few grammatical errors, but it's mostly fine.
Great stuff. I eagerly look forward to the next installment! ;hello;
You have a certain knack for writing internal dialogue. It just seems so natural the way you do it. It flows well, and I could imagine someone in a similar situation thinking in the same way.
For a first chapter, it was good at establishing the scene. We have Hineo Rikka, an innocent girl who's insecure about herself. You've done well to garner sympathy for her. Having had her parents abandon her leaves her in isolation, but she has found solitude, enjoying the company of nature. She's mature, though, refusing to believe in dreams and fantasy, but as a side effect it makes her even lonelier. Then, we have Ms Nakamura, the kind teacher who unfortunately fails to properly understand Rikka. I'm very interested as to how their relationship will develop over the course of the story.
Now, for some constructive stuff. There are quite a few run-on sentences, for example, "I always loved to watch the trees, the grass, its magical they way they sway in the wind." Try breaking them up into two sentences for clarity's sake (ie. I've always loved to watch the trees, the grass. It's magical, the way they sway in the wind.) Pay close attention to tenses, since there are a few discrepancies in some sentences. There are a few grammatical errors, but it's mostly fine.
Great stuff. I eagerly look forward to the next installment! ;hello;
Hmmm... I have to agree with ataraxia. The story itself is ok but the conflict is still lost. Seems to be that Rikka has some kind of personal problem that has yet to be introduced. In reality it's probably not that people don't want to be close to her but rather something like her unconciously shutting out people when they try to be her friend.
The story can be made deeper if you add stuff like a traumatic experience in the past, maybe her good friend betraying her or the loss of "the one person who understood her" in paragraph 1.
For an intro it sets up well various elements. In the next chapter though it would be good to show the conflict more.
Also yes you tend to shift between 1st and 3rd person. For this kind of story though 3rd might be better because it will take a lot of skill to make 1st work here especially since your character seems oblivious to her own problems
The story can be made deeper if you add stuff like a traumatic experience in the past, maybe her good friend betraying her or the loss of "the one person who understood her" in paragraph 1.
For an intro it sets up well various elements. In the next chapter though it would be good to show the conflict more.
Also yes you tend to shift between 1st and 3rd person. For this kind of story though 3rd might be better because it will take a lot of skill to make 1st work here especially since your character seems oblivious to her own problems