Crescent's Poem #1

[CrescentOfLight]

This is a short poem I came up with during my cheerleader practice last night so I wanted to share it with you guys.

I posted it on MF but just as with most other threads it was sent to the Incinerator for no reason.

I hope you like it:


Crescent is awesome.

Crescent is cool.

Crescent can flow.

Just like a swimming pool.

She likes to talk.

She likes to read.

An interesting book.

That involves any deed.

Why is she awesome?

Why is she cool?

I don't know why.

Just go use a step stool.

This poem is good.

This poem is great.

It's the best in the world.

And that's all I will state.


LOL.

Pretty neat for a short generic peom huh.

 

[Alicat]

You like poetry? So do I ^.^

This is one that I wrote:

You stand on the edge of a jagged ledge,
Watching how the sunlight bounces off the ocean mist,
Thinking about all the things you will have missed by doing this.
Very far down, mighty waves crash and spray,
Going every which way on this warm summer day.

Looking back on the life you have led,
All the hurtful things you’ve done, all the apologies left unsaid.
All the ‘thank you’ notes you forgot to send. . .
You can’t go back now because your life is about to end.

With that comes the freedom.
What about your parents? You don’t need ‘em.
No more demanding,
No more reprimanding,
No more teaching without understanding.
No more taunting,
No more flaunting,
No more daunting tasks ahead.
All you have to do is lie in a coffin, dead.

With a running start you go
And leap, plunging into the water bellow.
Blackness surrounds you.
The beauty of a silent death confounds you.
Just waiting for the blackness to drown you.
Everything moves in slow motion.
You are now in the hands of the ocean.

You watch as precious amounts of oxygen escape your lips as tiny bubbles, delighting.
You slowly let go of consciousness. There’s no more fighting.
Your heart slows down
Your eyes close
You sink
Down, down down. . .

Wait!
You change your mind.
This shouldn’t be your fate.
How could you be so blind?
Hurry before it’s too late!

You realize your lack of oxygen as the pain hits you like lightning.
The prospect of death is now frightening.
How could you take your own life with such an impulsive blighting?
You try anything; kicking, clawing, screaming, biting,
But, again you know there’s no more fighting.
There’s no more hope.
Suddenly something breaks through the darkness.
A shark? No or Yes?
You can’t guess.

No matter how much energy you give,
You don’t have much more time to live.
You can’t be saved.
Your lungs have caved.
Your eyes close once again. . .
No!

The next thing you know you’re on land,
What feels like sand,
And someone is holding your hand.

You feel oxygen enter your lungs.
You’re still alive.
You survived.
So many more songs to be sung!

So much energy that mistake cost you.
You feel someone’s mouth on your lips.
With one huge gasp you cough up water.
Looking at you with tears in their eyes is your love who pulls you into a tight embrace.
You put your hands on their hips,
Which puts color back into your pale face.
Sobbing, your love says,
“I thought I lost you.”​

It's kinda dark, I know... but tell me what you think

 

[CrescentOfLight]

Wow.

That's actually pretty neat.

I like how you managed to find the right words in the rhyming process.

Good job.

 

[Hadriel]

Spoiler

Crescent is awesome.
Crescent is cool.
Crescent can flow.
Just like a swimming pool.

She likes to talk.
She likes to read.
An interesting book.
That involves any deed.

Why is she awesome?
Why is she cool?
I don't know why.
Just go use a step stool.

This poem is good.
This poem is great.
It's the best in the world.
And that's all I will state.

The poem is interesting, to say the least. The way it flows sounds exactly like a cheerleader's cheer.
Although, something which annoyed me was the imbalance of syllables in every fourth line. Take the first four lines for example:

Crescent is awesome. (5 syllables)
Crescent is cool. (4 syllables)
Crescent can flow. (4 syllables)
Just like a swimming pool. (6 syllables)

The extra syllable kinda breaks the rhythmatic flow I assume the poem exhibits. You find yourself unable to fit every fourth line into a consistent 4/4 rhythm which can apply for all the other lines.

Also, it may just be me, but the poem exhibits little to no literary depth. Imagery is pretty much absent, and so is the use of other literary tools. However, I do know that the poem was meant to be simplistic and more like a cheer, so literary depth takes a back seat to rhythm and emotion.

One good thing about it is the emotion though. I can sense a very driven exceitment reverberating throughout the poem. It gives a certain sort of keen energy, which is quite nice.

Keep up the work! :coolgrin:


[MENTION=1419]Alicat[/MENTION]

Spoiler

You stand on the edge of a jagged ledge,
Watching how the sunlight bounces off the ocean mist,
Thinking about all the things you will have missed by doing this.
Very far down, mighty waves crash and spray,
Going every which way on this warm summer day.

Looking back on the life you have led,
All the hurtful things you’ve done, all the apologies left unsaid.
All the ‘thank you’ notes you forgot to send. . .
You can’t go back now because your life is about to end.

With that comes the freedom.
What about your parents? You don’t need ‘em.
No more demanding,
No more reprimanding,
No more teaching without understanding.
No more taunting,
No more flaunting,
No more daunting tasks ahead.
All you have to do is lie in a coffin, dead.

With a running start you go
And leap, plunging into the water bellow.
Blackness surrounds you.
The beauty of a silent death confounds you.
Just waiting for the blackness to drown you.
Everything moves in slow motion.
You are now in the hands of the ocean.

You watch as precious amounts of oxygen escape your lips as tiny bubbles, delighting.
You slowly let go of consciousness. There’s no more fighting.
Your heart slows down
Your eyes close
You sink
Down, down down. . .

Wait!
You change your mind.
This shouldn’t be your fate.
How could you be so blind?
Hurry before it’s too late!

You realize your lack of oxygen as the pain hits you like lightning.
The prospect of death is now frightening.
How could you take your own life with such an impulsive blighting?
You try anything; kicking, clawing, screaming, biting,
But, again you know there’s no more fighting.
There’s no more hope.
Suddenly something breaks through the darkness.
A shark? No or Yes?
You can’t guess.

No matter how much energy you give,
You don’t have much more time to live.
You can’t be saved.
Your lungs have caved.
Your eyes close once again. . .
No!

The next thing you know you’re on land,
What feels like sand,
And someone is holding your hand.

You feel oxygen enter your lungs.
You’re still alive.
You survived.
So many more songs to be sung!

So much energy that mistake cost you.
You feel someone’s mouth on your lips.
With one huge gasp you cough up water.
Looking at you with tears in their eyes is your love who pulls you into a tight embrace.
You put your hands on their hips,
Which puts color back into your pale face.
Sobbing, your love says,
“I thought I lost you.”

I'd give a thorough commentary on this as well, but since this is Crescent's writing gallery, why don't you create one yourself? New writing galleries are always welcome!

 

[CrescentOfLight]

Yeah.

I realized my syllables were out of place and I sort of regret the way I wrote it. >_<

And I'm surprised you noticed that it had a cheering feeling to it lol.

Thanks for the feedback and I will try to improve on my next ones.