Writing of the Fortnight #3 Voting

Which should win?

  • Live, Love, Lie

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Mental Breakup (Tornado)

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    0
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Shadowolf

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#1
Life, Love, Lie





Lost inside the memories

Growling and whining

Trade everything and frowning

As always like usual days



The tighter I grab it

The easier it slipped through my palm

Unaware about it

I let the half of my heart gone



Same as always

Hyperventilating and suffocating

Losing the most precious treasure

Only to grabbed the air as a prisoner

I breathe faster

Symphony of the miseries was heard

I clutch onto the melodies

Only to hear another lie spoken



I want to forget it

Her smile that endow my mind

My heart that gone wild when she’s around

The song of the life and love that stuck in my head



It’s not a decision

Nor it was a fate

For a long time I waited

For the circle to spin



Realizing it will never move

I drowned myself in the hell of liar

Care only for the life

Squeezing my dreams all the night



In this decision I was born

The new being yet an old one

Proudly walked at the scene of madness

And disappeared as if must



Watched for me

In this dark path

Without any wind remains

Or another light that existed

___________________
 

Shadowolf

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#2
Mental Breakup (Tornado)



Stop! Stop playing with me,

Stop playing with my mind,

I don’t know what to do now,

I feel like exploding



I feel as if a tornado came,

Destroying anything on its way,

Blowing me away from you,

Breakup within my mind



My mind is going dense,

It is falling and shattering apart,

It has been feeling the loss,

Turning my mind away from this



I have lost everything I love,

My mind is going loose,

Madness, insanity, craziness,

I feel a mental breakup



My mind has been stricken,

By a futile tornado,

It has gone through many,

Many things right now



I can’t breathe without feeling,

The regret of a cut in my arm,

The remorse of a bad choice,

The pain of a breakup



My world has turned black,

That “pink world” is not anymore,

Not a word in my dictionary,

Not a term I am accustomed to use



I just feel the wrath of a tornado,

Running through my mind,

Blowing it apart, taking it away,

Dragging me to a whole new world,

My mind is breaking down,

For I have missed you a lot
 
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#3
[quote name='Shadowwolf']Life, Love, Lie

Trade everything and frowning



I let the half of my heart gone



Only to grabbed the air as a prisoner



Her smile that endow my mind

My heart that gone wild when she’s around



Nor it was a fate



I drowned myself in the hell of liar

Care only for the life

[/QUOTE]



[quote name='Shadowwolf']Mental Breakup (Tornado)



Destroying anything on its way,



My mind is going dense,

It is falling and shattering apart,



I feel a mental breakup



That “pink world” is not anymore,



Not a term I am accustomed to use

[/QUOTE]



Apart from those grammatical errors and quite a few phrases which were either oddly written or plain awkward, I found both entries okay.





Entry #1 is decent, but I found the overuse of metaphors and imagery stifling. It's almost as if every single line had an obscure meaning in its own way. I know that hidden subtext may give a poem a more accomplished feel, but to spam it uneccesarily like that feels rather amateurish, as if the author just wanted to slap together some interesting-sounding lines.



What this entry misses, which is thankfully evident in Entry #2, is a recurring motif. While Entry #2 had the "tornado", this entry seemed to amble about a variety of symbols and imagery. It felt inconsistent at parts. The poem also lacks an overall flow to it. I really didn't see much of a link to the theme, despair, other than in the fourth stanza perhaps.





Entry #2 isn't too shabby either, though it is fraught with tensing inconsistencies. For example, take the two lines "Blowing me away from you/Breakup within my mind". It's obvious that these two lines were supposed to flow with each other, but the sudden discrepancy in tensing, specifically "Blowing" vs "Break" (Present Continuous tense vs Simple Present Tense), just ruined the flow of it. And this problem is prevalent in both entries. Both entries also show a lack of clarity. Many times while reading, I found myself having to read it closely so as to derive a line's true meaning, which in some cases wasn't even very clear then.



However, Entry #2 seizes the upper hand by featuring a central symbol of emotion, a tornado. With this motif, the author has achieved a sort of consistency within the poem, and although individual lines have trouble linking with lines before and after, the poem as a whole exhibits a decent flow. Also, the pattern of its stanza openings "I XXX" followed by "My XXX has XXX" is interesting and worth a second read to see how exactly it was crafted this way. The alternation between exhibiting emotions in a philosophical sense and exhibiting thinking in a logical sense does help to build up a nice contrast whish is interesting to read.



Therefore, my vote goes to Entry #2, Mental Breakup (Tornado)









Some advice for the two authors:



It's good to be a bit pretentious in your writing, but bear in mind that your target audience here are the members of MT, who may not fully understand the true meaning and intentions behind your poem, even with repeated reading. You want to write a poem that is intellectually engaging, yet simple and clear enough to be understood easily. Ensure that your poems follow a general idea and flow, and isn't just a series of disconnected thoughts and muses strung up together to resemble a poem. Nonetheless, I feel that both of you have put in excellent effort into your submissions, and I hope to see your future works as you improve further and further. Cheers! :3
 

Bố

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#7
I voted for Life, Love, Lie.



Even though both poems are quite similar to each other. >___>" #2 has more repetition than 1.
 

Shadowolf

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#8
Well, then I declare Live, Lie, Love the winner for WTF #3. Congratulations to Archerguy.



Congratulations to both entries Although the other one was mine
 
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#12
[quote name='Shadowwolf']Yeah you were. This voting was up for almost a week[/QUOTE]



Voting is supposed to be up for a fortnight. And anyway yours was superior in my opinion.
 
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#14
er whut did I won?? o_O

that crappy poem??

~_~



oh well

anyway

thx for the cnc handsoap

I'm aware about these mistake (except the grammar ofc)

yet i'm still stubbornly place it



because of your and emmie's opinion I can say that my current poetic style is not good since it's too vague

again thanks for it :D

ofc I see shadow's is better

since it's more understandable
 
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