Tanryx's Snippits

#1
Hey there. Time to start posting a few of my works for all to see.

What are my Snippits?:
My snippits are just pieces of back story to some of my characters and usually take place at important events in their lives.

The following snippit is one of my very first pieces of real writing that I tried. This was written 3 years ago and remains unedited. I'm aware of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors but I figured I might as well show you the raw material.

King Liam Knightwish's opening story:


Liam stormed into the Grand Council chamber, it was late at night and the chamber was dimly lit by candles. The thirteen members of the Grand Council sat behind a large circular desk which ran around the room, leaving an open space in the doorway for people to enter. Liam's eyes were alight with anger.
Which he did nothing to hide from these men; these men had hated him since the day he could walk and even now being near them made him angry.
"What the hell happened!?"
Liam shouted to the men, His younger brother, Ethann shrank away from him as he stormed into the centre of the room "Well? What in the name of the gods happened!?" Nobody spoke and a minute of eerie silence rang through the chamber, finally a small man squeaked
"Your father and his men were overrun by the humanis... We did w-"
Liam grabbed the nearest book and lobbed it at the man’s head. The man ducked for cover and the book hit the wall behind him, leaving a large dent in the once perfect wall. "What the hell do you think you're supposed to be doing!?" Liam yelled
"You are supposed to support the king in his absence and send with him the best of our knights, yet you sit here, getting fat on your damned wooden thrones! While the Humanis march strait through our border and go as far as to kill our king!"
"Liam..." Ethann said quietly, reaching out towards his brother, Liam shrugged him off and continued "You are all worthless! You are corrupt! You are all Idiots!" With a twirl of his cloak Liam stormed towards the door,
He opened it and stopped "When is the funeral?" he asked, the mood lightened as Liam seemed to calm down and another man answered "two days from now, the coronation of the new king will follow directly after" Liam gave a slow nod, A single tear catching the moonlight as it rolled down his face. Not only was this man his king, but he was also his father, Liam loved him more then he let on. He was an outcast to the world he lived in.

Known as the Red Prince to the villagers on the count that he always wore a blood red cape when in public and because he was the man who beheaded all criminals that are deemed serious enough to be given directly to the castle. Many whispered the word "Murderer" when he walked past and many peasants used the sign to ward off evil whenever Liam came near.
He didn't care though, the reputation meant that people left him alone, Unlike Ethann, People always came to him, the girls came to him to try and woo him. The men came to him to gain advice; the women came to him to ask his opinion on certain topics. He was the one they loved and he loved every minute of it. But not Liam, they never gave him the chance to be kind; the moment that he attacked a child who punched him when he was 5 instantly marked him as trouble. Liam was sick of it all.
But then again, He was the eldest brother in the family.... This meant...... Come two days..... He would be king....


"Submit to me Earthly Prince" (The Prince is the king in the previous Snippit's son)
The floor burned to the touch, fire rose around the Prince who stood with sword at the ready. A cackling laugh could be heard over the crackle of the flames. "Why O' earthly Prince? Why not submit to me as your body has?" a light and taunting voice said. The Prince shut his eyes "I will not submit to you evil, rather I die then be used as your mindless puppet to bring about pain and suffering!" the laugh continued "Oh Liam my child, you already are my puppet and have been since before you were born, you were marked the day your father begged for my help. You are my property" The flames began to rise around the prince, who jumped backwards slightly to flee from the heat "I... I refuse! I chose my own fate, I defied your torment and the madness you spread over my mind. I am no longer yours to corrupt and to use, I will fight you for the good of my kingdom and my race!"

The laughter grew louder as a young boy with blood red hair and tattoos over his body walked through the fire, the laughter and the voice both seem to be coming from the boy "Your kingdom has been destroyed entirely, United under human and Bara-kell that are not loyal to you and your race have been decimated, irony that the royal family be the last surviving people of your race, but then, that's how I planned it" the boy grinned and with a wave of his hand threw the Prince up again the burning wall of red rock. As he hit the wall the rock grew out and trapped his hands and feet within the rock wall. The prince let out a yelp of pain as the rock began to burn his hands and feet, the sword that was previously in his hand melted away to nothing, the boy walked up until their noses were almost touching "You are nothing and I will make sure you remain as nothing. I know what my sisters plan is but you will never achieve it. You will lose your mind long before your families sins are atoned for, and then you will belong to me and become my vessel."

The Prince looked up and laughed in the boys face "Oh Khain, I'm not here to atone for my families sins, I'm here to become a god" the boy backhanded the prince "You will address me as The Devil, Evil, Or God of Wrongdoing, You will not ever use my name and you will not ever become a god" the boy's arm suddenly began to shine slightly and go transparent "Looks like my time with you is up Prince, you're mind will be mine. Now enjoy the next hundred or so years in agony" He laughed again as his whole body turned transparent before vanishing entirely.





More perhaps to come. Please critique and give me your honest opinions.
 
#2
Hmm, let's see. Reading your snippit, I've noticed two pertinent issues regarding your writing, namely, a prevalence of run-on sentences, and some problems with paragraphing. Firstly, there were quite a few run-on sentences, such as "Liam stormed into the Grand Council chamber, it was late at night and the chamber was dimly lit by candles." and "The laughter grew louder as a young boy with blood red hair and tattoos over his body walked through the fire, the laughter and the voice both seem to be coming from the boy". It's not a major problem, really. Just break up the long sentences into smaller ones, and it should flow well. Secondly, the paragraphing is slightly weird, with new lines starting randomly. It may be a case of a formatting oddity, however, since it's just those select few lines which are oddly disconnected. Other errors include some punctuation and grammatical problems. Nonetheless, I'm sure that your standard of writing has improved tremendously in those three years, since I've heard from The Jest that you are an excellent writer.

And now for plus points. One of your greatest strengths that I've noticed is your ability to create the mood and atmosphere. Your usage of dialogue and imagery is excellent. The dialogue seemed natural, and the usage of olden terms and phrases helped establish a sense of grandeur, even "royalty" in the characters speaking, very fitting for the plot. You also managed to escape the anachronistic trap writers of this genre usually fall into. The imagery and descriptions specifically helped to achieve a strong atmosphere in the entire story. I especially liked this phrase: "A single tear catching the moonlight". I'd suggest that you include more descriptions and imagery, since those two really do help create the atmosphere effectively.

All in all, a great job. I look forward to seeing some of your more recent works! :coolgrin:
 
#3
Thank you for your comments, the awkward spacing I had no clue about honestly. It seems to be something to do with the transition from wordpad to the forum. The long sentences are my one greatest flaw and one I still catch myself doing all the time. My literature teacher used to always hammer me about that one thing.
Thank you for your input.
 
#5
Tanryx's Encounter

Tanryx had been walking about the forest for days now, no food and no water yet he did not feel hunger or thirst. The forest seemed to go on for eternity, days and nights blended together and Tanryx had no sense of time, after several hours walking he spotted something strange, a faint crimson glow. He walked towards the glow and a man appeared to step out of it. The man was tall, with shoulder length blood red hair, where the whites of his eyes should of been was black as the night and his iris pure crimson. The man gave Tanryx a faint smile
"Hello there Tanryx..." the man said in a neutral but non-threatening voice
"How do you know my name?" Tanryx asked the man
"I know a lot of things about you Tanryx Knightwish, brother to Galithril Knightwish the current queen of this realm.
Tanryx took a step back, as far as he knew his name was Tanryx Netherwind and his sister was Irene Netherwind and Galithril Knightwish was the evil dictator that stole the kingdom of Celestia from the rightful heir Prince Liam. He shook his head
"I don't think so friend, I am Tanryx Netherwind and my sister is Irene. You know nothing about me"
The man laughed slightly, his laugh was an neutral as his voice.
"Tanryx, I have watched over you since the day you were born, you are Tanryx Knightwish, your sisters are Irene Knightwish, Galithril Knightwish and your twin sister is Jynx Knightwish. With Liam's son dead you are the true heir to the Celestial throne. But fate has set you on a different path"
Tanryx had had enough of the man
"Speak plain! how then do you know so much about me, your hair is as red as blood and your words false." Tanryx took a step back
"Are you the devil?"
The man laughed again
"Khain? No, not at all. Khain is... A brother....No, more a cousin of mine. I go by many names and many forms but you may address me as Master Red, or Master if you're not quite up to that"
"No man is my master, who do you think you are!?"
"Well your people would refer to me as... A god isn't it?"
"No way"
"Yes, God, the god of immortality, though that's not what I go by, they call me Red the Alternate"
Tanryx bared his teeth at the man, he did not like this one bit
"You say this but you show no proof, show me how you are a god then"
The man smiled again, his smile also neutral
"You have been in the forest for a month and a half now, yet you do not need food nor water, beasts have savaged your arms and legs and yet you have no scars to prove it, you are immortal Tanryx and have been since the day you were born, the day you were chosen by me to become my apprentice"
Tanryx was struck dumb by this statement, it was true that he had been attacked by wolves and wounded severely but his wounds had been gone when he'd woken up the next morning, Tanryx had many questions for the man but before he could ask him the man raised his hand
"So Tanryx, I offer you a choice, come with me back to my dimension and become my apprentice and remain immortal, or turn away and lose your immortality and your chance for power beyond any your family has known before" the man turned around and began to walk through the crimson glow "I will be waiting for you, fate has already decided."
Tanryx thought for a few seconds, but questions were buzzing inside his head, the man had promised power, power he could use to take revenge on the rebellion that had kicked him out and killed his sister, it made sense that he was a Knightwish, why else would the men have reacted in such a way?

Tanryx stepped into the glow which enveloped him, the glow cleared and in the forest no trace of Tanryx or the man had been left behind.
 
#6
Another interesting snippit! This was as engaging as the last one, so I can tell that you've got a natural talent for plot-weaving. Usually, during long conversations like this, less-adept writings may come across to others as being boring and mundane, yet yours was thoroughly interesting to read. Perhaps it's just the fact that I've got no idea who "Red" is (is he they guy Jest was talking about to me?), but it's also due to, most noticeably, your ability to convey expressions and dialogue excellently, as well as your creativity in scenario plotting. Your greatest strength is apparently at styling dialogue. Keep at it. The whole snippit had a certain "lore-ish" feel to it, something which is indeed hard to create but I feel you executed flawlessly.

On the other hand, I still can spot some run-on sentences, singal/plural, grammatical and punctuation errors. One part you should look out for is the use of hyphenation. When describing something using a descriptor that is two words or longer, like "shoulder length" and "blood red", use a hypen to combine the two words, so you get "shoulder-length" and "blood-red". That way, it's grammatically correct, and also easier for readers to clearly identify the traits of the man.

Also, there was this line I picked out: "where the whites of his eyes should of been was black as the night"
When you write a description in a way which forces a direct comparion (in this case, the normal whites of a human's eyes, and the "whites" of the man's eyes), you should compare a noun to a noun. In this case, you compared it to a description, ("whites of eyes" (noun) compared to "was black as the night" (description)). Perhaps, you could insert a simple word to make it clearer, for example: "Where the whites of his eyes should have been were voids as black as the night".

All in all, another great piece of work. Might I inquire as to when you wrote this?
 

Biomega

Net Ronin Of All Trades
#7
[SPOILERA]Also, there was this line I picked out: "where the whites of his eyes should of been was black as the night"
When you write a description in a way which forces a direct comparion (in this case, the normal whites of a human's eyes, and the "whites" of the man's eyes), you should compare a noun to a noun. In this case, you compared it to a description, ("whites of eyes" (noun) compared to "was black as the night" (description)). Perhaps, you could insert a simple word to make it clearer, for example: "Where the whites of his eyes should have been were voids as black as the night".[/SPOILERA]
You forget to mention the "should of" part. It should be "Should Have", instead.
 
#8
I'll admit I wrote this last night, although it was 5 in the morning but that's not really an excuse, thank you for your advice and I'll make sure to use it in future snippits.

Yes Red is the guy The Jest is always talking about as it is his main character. I wrote it last night after getting Jest's permission to use him.
 
#9
You forget to mention the "should of" part. It should be "Should Have", instead.
I was going to, but I was afraid that I would come across as too nitpicky.



Well, even though there were some errors here and there, they can be quickly rectified, and your main ability lies in story-making. Given more practice in how to express it even better, I can expect you to write some brilliant stuff!
 
#10
The Last Knightwish
Tanryx stood with his short blade drawing blood from his sisters neck, the point cutting in slightly. Galithril was on her knees with tears in her eyes as she spluttered "spare me" over and over. Tanryx had come far since his encounter with his master, he'd been trained in the art of blood magic that his master held specialty over. He had hired himself out as a mercenary while not on missions for his master taking out this threat and that across several worlds. He looked at his sister, so like Irene in so many ways. Only unlike Irene he felt a hatred for this woman, he felt that in order for the kingdom to finally be at peace she had to die.
"Spare me Tanryx. Spare me and I'll give you a kingdom, your own servants to command, a whole country as your toy, just spare me"
Tanryx took the blade away from her neck and placed both of his hands on either side of his sisters head
"Thank you brother.... Thank you" Galithril sobbed lowering her head which Tanryx forced back upwards to stare him in the eyes.
The whites were void and black as his masters and his pupils the deep crimson of blood.
"May the gods give you mercy my dear sister.... For I shall show you none"
Galithril's scream could be heard even outside of the castle walls, but when the guards entered all the was for them to find was a headless body and crimson blood covering the four walls of the dark room lit only by torchlight.

Assassination of the King
King Liam looked down from his golden throne at the boy kneeling before him, strange that Ethann would send a mere child to be the ambassador of the Kingdom of Ilania. The boy spoke of his brothers regrets for the war that had been a major success on Liam's part thanks to the reinforcements he had received from the Bara-Kell or in the common language "People of the Wolf". They were a barbarian race of half man half beast with fur covering their chest and arms and standing over six feet tall. The King wasn't really paying attention to the boy but instead his gaze focused on the man behind him. Tall and with a dark and uncaring gaze in his pale blue eyes and raven-black hair tied back. He looked like the type of man who had seen some trouble. Liam tried to recall his name... Del..Something, he was the son of one of the council members that Liam had taken great pleasure in killing in revenge for his exile and for his fathers death and so it was understandable that the man before him bore hatred. Liam's attention drifted over to his son who stood in the corner of the throne room, young and strong with a bandage over his right eye, the King was never informed as the why his son had his eye bandaged and any attempts to ask his son was met with his son simply leaving the room. Besides he was much to busy with the war and didn't really have time for such matters. Finally his attention went back to the boy who was apologizing on behalf of his king for the damages to Liam's main flagship the Delremarto and discussing the amount of gold his brother would pay in order to keep his land. The man behind him cleared his throat and everyone turned his attention to him.
"And now your Majesty I have a present for you" he stepped up until he was standing above the king "A gift from one king to another, from brother to brother" Liam felt a sharp pain in his chest "From traitor to traitor" the man grinned as he removed the knife from the kings chest and stabbed again, Liam collapsed to the floor with blood pouring out of his wounds, his vision started to fade as he watched his son stab his assassin through the stomach and kick him off his blade, his son, in his final moments he realized just how little he knew his son and felt a pang of regret. He wouldn't live to see his son become a man nor see what the future would bring for his kingdom but he didn't care, all he wished for was that he could turn back time and spend the time he should have with his son.
The Prince took his fingers away from the King's neck
"The King is dead.... My first decree.... War on Ilania shall continue" he turned to face the Knightly order of Celest which had failed in their mission to protect the king "We will make that snake Ethann pay for his betrayal."