Sandstorm

Z

ZeroKnight

ǤξД§§ ʃᵯᵯӨƦŦДζ
#1
#1
So. I just wrote this. It's an assignment for my English class. We're studying "realistic" writing during the Civil War period. The assignment was a "War Poem", only modernized. I write abstract poetry, and usually it's free-verse, but this time I happened to make it rhyme in ABC scheme. I think it's okay, but eh.[hr]
Sandstorm​
Field of corpses, skies ablaze,Devils and Demons circle amidst the haze,I hide, away from their deadly gaze.To my left, comrades writhing in pain,To my right, a dune of the fallen and slain,Despite their heroism, it was all in vain.The cry of our leader, “Move forward!”,But I remained in stone, having not heard,From the edge of my sight, it was absurd.It was the last thing I saw,My squad staring in awe,Too slow on the draw.My vision blurred and went to black,My perception I just happened to lack,A hostile, far in the back.The Demons drew near,Mocking my fear,Everything I held dear.All was as black as the Demons nest,I was off to become as the rest,In the violent tempest.A Sandstorm.
 
S

SoulSeeker

New Member
#2
#2
First of all... your green letters are annoying to read lol xDExcept for that, it's nice, but nothing special. I know that this may not be THAT important in usual poetry, but I'm a rap artist myself, and I pay a lot of attention to rhyme schemes. And, well... I don't think I even need to say this, but it feels as if you just took the first word that came to mind when you thought of rhyming... Like, if you don't put effort in rhyming, why rhyme at all? Like, Black, lack, back. You had the first word, first, you removed the b, then you removed the l from the original, tadaa! Rhyme scheme! Meh...I like your way of writing though, but you still have a long road to walk :DKeep it up!
 
Z

ZeroKnight

ǤξД§§ ʃᵯᵯӨƦŦДζ
#3
#3
My green annoys a lot of people ;PAnd lol, thanks for the CnC. It was just an assignment for English, so I didn't put to much effort into it. Plus I don't really write poetry often if at all, and when I do, I usually just free-verse. I appreciate the CnC, and will keep it in mind, but all I'm saying is this wasn't supposed to be anything all that great ^^"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.