I've decided to rewrite the first chapter. That was a horrible piece of work and not to my A standard at all.

So, for the time being, i'll give you lot the chance to gimme OC's.


PM me the ideas for them and i'll post them here.

For now though, i'ma gonna post notes on my fanfiction, until Chapter one is finished.


Aimi - Mains mother
Aki - Mains grandmother
Raidon - Mains father
Hitomi - Main
Katsu - Main’s older brother
Megumi - Mains older cousin / Midori’s Daughter
Midori - Mains aunt

- Uchiha Suzumu's son.
Kazuo - Uchiha Heir
Suzumu - Uchiha Head

Mareo - Namikaze Head

Hyuuga Ryo - Heir
Hyuuga Hanako - Younger sister

Senji Tanaka - Heir

Inuzuka Toboe - Heir
Inuzuka Hige - Younger brother

Theme songs
Million voices - Barlow Girl.
Song of exile - King Authur OST
The Voice - Celtic Woman
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A good read and good ideas. However I have a few things that I picked up on:

1) Quite a lot of grammatical errors throughout, normally forgetting references to the object or using in etc instead of to or something like that.
2) You occaisionally start comma splicing, putting in a few too many commas. You often do this in parts when you are trying to increase the pace. Use shorter sentances, end stopping them and getting the pace going.
3) You have this type of narration going inbetween yourself and the personal opinions of characters. It isn't always particularly clear and I noted that you slipped into a conversational tone. You created a really good scene then you went "Anyway, word word word word" which really dispelled it.
4) You have this theme or Iron, capitalized. Making it seem more personified and less like an inanimate object. We can see the shinobi hate it but you really need to build on this. Perhaps have a section trying to build this up.

Erm, hope you like the pointers ^_^.
thank you. ^^ I like reciving any reviews that help. I have been known to make my scentences too long, with causes the amount of commas. (My English teacher is anooyed at it. lol)

And I do make it personalizied. Iz leik itz. XD

Also, if you could give me a link to a grammer checker? (Microsoft works doesn't have it. =/)

Thank you. I wanted opinions on here before I posted it on

I'ma gonna rep you now cos you rock.
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Thanks anyway.

I've decided to rewrite this, finishing the whole thing it before posting. I've also added more things to it, as well as an org. Similiar to Akatsuki but with a different perpose of terrorising them.

I've got the plot down though, i'm just doing the chapter discriptions.