The Office
Pam: "There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, 'What if you die, Dwight? How will we get into the office'He said, 'If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks.'"
Michael: (Turns on Blacklight in Hotel room for party)"Whoa...what are all those stains?"
Dwight: "Blood, urine, or semen."
Michael: "Oh, God, I hope it's urine..."
Michael: "You don't call retarted people retarts. You call your friends retarts when they're acting retarted."
Captain Jack: I need a volunteer to come up and hold my stick.
Dwight Schrute: Me me me!
Captain Jack: Ah. Usually it's a woman.
Dwight Schrute: I'm stronger.
Dwight Schrute: There are several ways to tell if a perp is lying...
The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hand, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful.
Michael Scott: I need to know who else is gay. I don't want to offend anyone else.
Dwight Schrute: You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive.
Michael Scott: Yeah. I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.
Dwight Schrute: When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
Dwight Schrute: What was your mile time?
Toby: About seven.
Dwight Schrute: I could beat that on a skateboard.
Toby: Well, that has wheels.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, well, my feet don't. And I could still crush that time.
Michael Scott: Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say “Hey man, I love you this many dollars-worth”.
Michael Scott: You may look around and see two groups here; white collar, blue collar. But I don't see it that way, and you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.
Michael Scott
Defending that he doesn't hate homosexuals) I watch the L Word...I watch Queer as [bleep].
Toby: That's not what it's called.
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I could literally go on all night with these quotes. But alas, I want you all to watch "The Office" and see for yourself how great it is.
