[Justify]
CYCLING SORROW
[Justify]My name is Maya. I am the one and only child of my family. I was so thankful to God that I was born into this world. When I was little I had perfect parents, a very generous father and very caring mother. My father was always on his job trip, my Nanna said that he had been so busy since he was so young and he had no enough time even to stop by for eat. For me, my father always had time for me. I could speak with him up to twice a month (Nanna told me to count cock crowing when I woke up as one finger and when it came to my tenth finger after triple round, Nanna told me that it called a month ) consider he even could not stop by for lunch, I was very proud of my father and also very glad that nobody as special for my father as me. I loved every step sound that my father made when he came home and also every single scent that his sweat made when entering my room to kiss my forehead and my lips. He then would go to mama and made a little talk, well not so little actually, because I was able to hear even through the wall of my room that they were talking but I did not know what. he would stay at home for two days - based what I counted with my finger, of course - and during that time he would always accompany me and then took me to my room, caressing me while saying that he love me until I slept in my bed. he had such a smell that I would never forget, minging and a bit woody but sometimes , usually when he would to leave the house for his job trib, he would be very fragrant and musky and I hate that. I hate every single trace of him that he had left when leaving the house for his job trip. It made me feel that he was still there, in the house, near me.[/Justify]My mother was very beautiful woman, Nanna told me that she had been a mascot girl of her campus back then when she had been a college student, and she had passed it down to me, again Nanna who said it, so I have very nice and soft skin. Mama was very funny person. I still remember some time in my childhood mama pinched my cheek zealously while saying how beautiful I am with this kind of skin and how pathetic she is with those skin also how such a waste for me to get such a great skin. actually I did not have any ideas about she was talking about at that time - I just take it as a joke - but I was so happy because she wanted to touch me and made me laugh with that joke. Mama often pinched my cheek when father was not around. well, I did not mind. When father came home and accompany me playing doctor and patient Mama would not be there - I did not hear her steps - but she would be there when I entered my room. That made me a bit upset but made me happy when she pinched me like she had used to do. Sometimes it did not feel like a pinch at all but it most likely like a nib. My cheek would feel so sore after that.That day, when the calm breeze caressed my skin after I woke up, Nanna suddenly hugged me and said I had to be good kid because my father and mama would no longer come home and stay by my side. At that time, I did not fully understand. It came to my realization that that they were dead after about 2 hours later when I heard unsual step in my house trough the door. From the voice, I recognized that it was an old man, and very tall because I heard his voice over my head. He said that my father's car had been found in a deep ravine and there had been two bodies in the car, well my mama and my father. I did not know what to do or how I should have felt at that moment but I did realize that I hate the musky and woody fragrance of my father the night before he left home. Mama then told me that she wanted to chase father in order to get separated from him. She took pity on me because of what father had done to me and how she could not do anything about it. I just listened to her crying that I have never heard before and I hate father for making mama like that. And that day, the musky and woody fragrance that imprinted in my head had made my mama go away to a far away place that I knew I could never be there. From that moment, I hate every man in the world.My hatred continued and had been worsened when I entered my first public college. In the first year, that was the hardest period in my life. That was the first time I walked through the door and did not know where to go because I did not now where was it. New scents, aroma, and temperature and sound of the wind and things. It frightened me. Again, Nanna helped me by giving me a new friend that would guide me and accompany me whenever and wherever I go, a very handy friend. I got there, a place that was crowded and very noisy. Suddenly my head felt hurt. Somebody had thrown a stone on my head, a big one I think, I felt my head wet, it smelled like blood. Then I heard voices rushing through my ear, very gruff sound that laughed at me because I heard them surrounded me, boys voices. Almost once every week I experienced those hard moment until my third year. One day, in my rare safe week a man came to me and said that he loved me for a long time. I laughed in my heart and then asked him how he could say that to me, a woman who was not even able to protect herself because she did not know what will happen to her even that thing in front of her. He replied that he had seen a very beautiful woman, the most beautiful woman that he had ever seen in his life he said that he would do anything for her. And that was me. Silly. Oh Gosh, whatever. I had thought that man would have given up. But I was wrong, after that the man still chased after me. Force me to accept his feeling by accompanying me even though I ignored him. Well, it worked. I felt that I could make an exception, just for him. One day, after so many confessions, he confessed to me, again. I could not help myself to answer but yes. After that we shared our days, our nights, and our time together. Yet, I still felt something was not right. I could not love him as I wanted to do. I wanted to see him and feel him whole-heartedly. I did not want to be what I had been for all along. I had to know him more.One morning, I said that to him. I wanted to see him. He laughed and said I was alright as I was. Silly, that was serious. I said that I had Nanna in my hometown, he seemed to be surprised. He said he wanted to see Nana. And two days after that, we went to my hometown. In my house, Nanna told me she was happy to see me having someone who will save me. I did not understand but she just giggled. I and the man, his name was Andrew, just visited. So in the evening when temperature was so cold, we went back to our town.I did not know what was Andrew had been talking to my Nanna but suddenly after that he said he wanted to take me to the hospital to grant my wish. I said Ok. I made an appointment with my doctor, he said he could do the operation if I got donor. I told Andrew about that he said sadly Ok, without another words. I kept that in my mind.It was so wonderful, a week after I had made with my doctor, the hospital’s staff called me and told me I had the donor. I was very happy and I wanted to tell Andrew but he did not come to my boarding house so I could not tell him that. Well, I was still happy though.I got the operation. The operation was successful but I had to wait about three months to feel the result. I felt so happy. Yet since I had had the operation, Andrew did not come to say hi to me, he did not even call me. He suddenly disappeared. It made me angry for the beginning but suddenly it came to my realization and it bothered me a lot. Andrew betrayed me. I hated him for that.After three long months, finally I could feel and know the result. The first thing I could see was the wall of the hospital then the doctor, the nurses, but I could not see Andrew. Yes, he was not there for me. I hated him because he betrayed me. Being able to see was something new and scary for me. It was just amazing but terrifying at the same time. The sound felt strange because I could see the visualization that was very different I had had in mind. Being able to see, to use my own eyes, made me dizzy. I found my boarding house was not beatiful as it had been in my thought. Its colour was so awful like the doctor’s worn out coat which soaked with polluted water. My room was a mess and dirty and disgusting. I did not know everything could go so bad. When I was thingking that there was nothing could be so bad than this, a man, a tall thin man actually suddenly came to me. I did not recognize him. But he said he knew me very much. He asked me he wanted to marry me. I laughed and said sorry because I already had someone who would marry me. I said his name was Andrew. The man said his name was Andrew. I just realized that the man actually blind and its upset me because Andrew was not blind, he would never be. I expelled him from my boarding house rudely because he made me very angry. My behaviour was very rude indeed which made him very mad and said that I would regret for doing so. He said he would not come again because I had hurt his feeling so much. He said he would not see me again. I shouted to him who would care anyway.Two days after that, I found out that Andrew was blind indeed. I found it out when I had to have an optic medical checkup. I insisted that I wanted to know who the donor was. Then, the doctor gave me an envelope with red rose embossed in its sides. It smelled nice and warm. I opened the envelope and took the letter inside it. It was written in Braille, I had a feeling that the person who had made this letter knew me very well, because I still was not able to read to Roman alphabet. I closed my eyes, and started to read. It said, “dear my love, be happy and treasure your life.” Oh my God, it was Andrew who made this. It was him that sacrificed his eyes to be mine. I cried in front of my doctor and suddenly felt sorry for him because I realized that I did not love as he was but because his scent reminded me of my father’s. I knew I did wrong to him and I knew that he would be happy if he would not come back to me because I knew that I would not be able to love him. Memories of my father still imprinted in my mind strongly and I could not take any men but as his image.I wanted to get rid of these feeling. I went back to my boarding house. I made a mess to find anything which could make me feel free. I found it. I took a piece of glass. It was from a broken bottle. I held it tight. I looked at it for a moment before I stabbed it towards my eyes. Then everything became dark. I collapsed.When I got my conscious back, I came back to the world I used to be there. The world I had known for the rest of my life. Even though I came back, I could not feel the same anymore. This world no longer gave me comfort and shelter and rest. I just trapped in my loneliness until I die, someday.[/Justify]